Month of May

May is the hardest month for me... without even thinking about it I start to feel sad. I miss him so much. People say that it gets easier as the years go by... but I don't find that true. I miss him even more day by day.

7 years ago...

Almost 7 years to the date, was the last time I saw my precious Stephen. We woke up early that morning and I took him to the airport where we said our goodbyes. We held each other tight and little did I know, our last kiss. I watched him walk away, proud to serve his country.
I miss him so much. I still think about him every day. As I type these words my eyes well up with tears and my heart aches. Music has always been a "healing" influence for me. There are so many songs that help me through these moments... there is one I want to share with all of you.

Stephen... I love you and miss you so much. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wish to hold you in my arms again. I hold on to the joy and hope that I will see you that "one sweet day". Heaven was needing a hero... and God chose you.

Questions to a Loving Father and His Answers to an Undeserving Child

Does Your heart bleed at the sight of the lonely?
When someone has given up on life, do you feel the sigh as they breath their last?
Are Your nights sleepless with the questions of the things done in the past?
Do You feel the hurt of the homeless, the pain of those mentally disturbed?
Is the cure of all of the ills of this ungrateful world hidden in Your hands?
Can You love every boy and every girl?
Do You really, really, really love this wretched me?
Then why can not I feel Your touch?
Why can not I fell Your presence in this darkness that I am?
Or am I numbered with the damned?

Do you have the grace to save an unbelieving soul?
Is Your mercy spent by the foolishness of all my sin?
Would You die for me to prove the very depth of Your love?
Could You raise from the grave to confront my unbelief?
Are You my comfort in the midst of life's storms, my shelter, my sanctuary, my place to hide from this cursed life?
Ca I run to You no matter what I face?
Or does it put a strain upon Your grace?
Does it take more to love me than my sisters and my brothers?
If I can not love myself, how can I love others?
And how can You really , really, really love a wretch like me... when I am unworthy of Your touch?
Or Your presence in this darkness that I am...
Guess I should be numbered with the damned!

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

Does your heart grieve at the thought of your own failures?
When your best is not good enough, do you simply lay down in defeat?
Do you not know that these things you always remember I forgot?
Why are your nights spent in regret, and tears soak your pillow?
Do you not trust that the future is in My strong right hand?
Do you not trust me with the little things, as well as the things you could never understand?
Yes! I really, really, really love, this blessed one, you.
I have touche dyous o often you have become unaware of My presence.
Come out of your darkness and meet who I AM for you were never numbered with the damned!

Stephen W. Fortune
10/11/1998

Come Home

Alone I have sat and stared into perpetual night.
Feeling the pain of this world bare down upon my very life.
I have seen evil men turn wrong into their own right.
I have seen the innocent die and the poor in their strife.
I have stood in places where others refused to stand.
Filling the very soul of that place with hope and with a Dream!
I have spoken the Truth, so that fools may understand.
I have seen the power of Freedom, when eyes begin to gleam.
I have also been blessed to know of Beauty.
I have rested my head upon her breast to sleep.
She has given me Courage to fulfill my duty.
And of her cup of Love I do drink, oh so deep.
Before the God I serve, I bow before Your Throne.
A weary warrior, who fights, yet longs to come home.

Daily Dreams I

Yesterday was Stephen's birthday... he would have been 36 years old. It's been 7 years since his passing and my heart still aches when I think about him and the love we shared. Along with that ache is a enormous sense of awe and wonder at how the Lord allowed me to be loved by an angel... and now to know His love through another, my precious Paul.I came across a Daily Dreams Devotional book that Stephen wrote the first Christmas I was with him. He gave it out as Christmas gifts that year. I thought I would share them with all of you. I will type out one when I feel led to do so. Today I shall start with this one... as it is fitting for the beginning of a New Year!Often times we get jaded when our dreams seem to fall to the wind...

Matthew 12:23 "And all the multitudes were amazed, and began to say, "This man cannot be the Son of David can he?"

"The multitudes knew of the Davidic Covenant (2 Samuel 7:12-16); how a son of David was going to be the Messiah, the Christ... and they began to question if that one day was here. Could the dream of a Messiah be standing before them?

They saw in Jesus fulfillment of prophecies, and with this question began to look upon Him in a different light. The crowd was searching for the Messiah. The Pharisees a power based upon the Law. The crowd saw a demonic person healed and they marveled. The Pharisees saw their power fading. It was for that reason Jesus calls them a broad of vipers and condemns them as being evil (v. 34). They knew the Law, but had no application of it. They held the people to the Law, but they exempted themselves.

So to are our dreams... when we see them before our very eyes, many come to kill, steal and destroy them. It is then, we know our dreams are of God. It is then: we should "cast down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God." (2 Corinthians 10:5). It is when we are oppressed on every side that we should ask ourselves if this dream is worthy of the pursuit - keeping in mind that a God given dream dies the most violent of deaths when the dreamer gives up on seeing the dream come to pass, or just gives up on God, the very One who inspired the dream to begin with.

Ask the hard question! But never give up your dream... "This man cannot be the the Son of David, can He?" was asked while staring the answer in the face. "My dream cannot be coming true can it?" Is so often asked when the dream is within reach. Reach out and grab hold of your God-given dream... that is your destiny! That is your right as a child of the King of the Universe.

~Stephen W. Fortune 9/20/99